Ok, listen. Onions are seriously ignored as a vegetable. This Toike’s purpose is to bring awareness to how much onions do for us, and why we should appreciate them more.

HOLD ON. You really think that an extremely qualified and serious newspaper’s staff would have decided to write an entire issue about onions? Surely, they must have had better ideas than that. I refuse to believe there is no underlying Shrek theme in this Toike.

Honestly, I don’t think the Toike staff even like Shrek that much. Why would they secretly dedicate an entire Toike to a movie they don’t care that much about?

I JUST LOVE SHREK, OKAY?! I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT AN ISSUE THEME WOULD BE WASTED ON ONIONS WHEN IT COULD BE DEDICATED TO OUR LORD AND SAVIOGRE.

Oh, uh…you okay? This really isn’t a big de-

 Shrek, if you are listening right now, I love you. I hope to one day meet you, but I currently cannot afford the plane ticket. I plan on starting a GoFundMe so I can buy the ticket. I hope you like me when we meet. I hope you know that because you once said that ogres are like onions, I have not eaten anything but onions for 14 years. I am very thin. I love you.