Hello there, friend. I’m so glad you could join me today. My name is Rob Boss, and today I’ll be teaching you about self-love and acceptance. Do the other kids at school make fun of you? That’s okay. I may be an animate Chia Pet, but even I know that you’re a pathetic piece of shit. Sorry, what was that? I hurt your feelings? 

Well, youngster, there’s nothing I can really do about the truth. But I can make you a happy little friend. Would you like a squirrel-friend? Of course, you do. Look at this happy little squirrel that I made you. Let’s call him Joey. See, Joey and I have been watching you. We know that you cry yourself to sleep every night, and how ugly you are. But we don’t care. We like you for who you are. Life is like a painting, and in that analogy I’m god. I make big decisions all the time. Where does this tree live? Joey, where does this tree live in your world? We can’t make just one tree, oh no, trees are like all of us, they need friends. Let’s make him a little friend over there. See? Look at these two happy trees! This painting is for you. Give them names and stuff. Make’em your friends. 

Life is a beautiful rainbow. Titanium White, Bright Red, Cadmium Yellow, Dark Sienna, Midnight Black, Phthalo Blue, Sap Green, just to name a few. The list goes on. You should use all of these colours! All of the time! 

You’re a happy little accident. Although you’re not as pretty as this picture here, you’ve got just as much personality. Want to know what I do when life gets hard? I beat the devil out of it. Hahaha, it’s a pretty good parenting philosophy as well. In all seriousness kiddo, life is full of dark and light times. I don’t really know what I’m talking about, but you get it. Maybe if I wasn’t a Chia Pet, I could provide better advice. Joey and I are going to peace out now. Please water me though, I’m parched.