TO STEVEN SPIELBERG AND COLIN TREVORROW: 

Dear sirs, I hope this letter finds you well. I understand that you are both busy people – more Steven than you Colin, but you hang in there – so I’ll get straight to the point. As a longstanding member of The Toike Oike – U of T’s and, quite possibly, the world’s most read and respected publication – I feel it is my duty to apologize for the way we in the media have viciously mocked movies in classic franchises that you have made for one very similar reason – again, Colin, the one was more for Steven because your movie had other flaws that it should be mocked for.  

Steven, Jaws was a thrilling and terrifying masterpiece of filmmaking that left millions fearing the beach for years. Colin, Jurassic Park is a movie that brings me fond childhood memories every time I think about it, which is why I watched Jurassic World. Yet, one thing has always bugged me about these films – again, Colin, I cannot stress enough that there were many other things that bugged me about your movie. Why would a public servant or a business reopen a beach or a theme park that had caused the deaths of so many when doing so would cause even more deaths? 

Well, the obvious answer is money but that never quite sat right with me. Wouldn’t so many people dying eliminate potential future profit streams while simultaneously scaring others away, further limiting your potential profits? Surely sacrificing profits in the short-term is preferable to causing more damage and possibly opening yourself up to criminal and/or civil cases. For me, this type of action was just too unbelievable. 

Well, not anymore. Given the events that have taken place in the United States over the course of the pandemic, I can say with absolute certainty that a profits-over-people decision, though still appalling, is in no way far-fetched or unbelievable. In fact, it might be the most realistic part of both of your movies – seriously, Colin, even if I accept the fact that you can give a 30-foot dinosaur the ability to camouflage itself, why would a scientist risk giving it that ability IN A FUCKING THEME PARK WHERE THE DINOSAURS ARE THE MAIN ATTRACTION!  

Therefore, on behalf of all news sources and print media, I apologize for the criticism of that aspect of your films – and only that aspect of your film, Colin, because apparently the island is now A FUCKING VOLCANO AND NO ONE MENTIONED IT FOR DECADES! ARE YOU KIDDING ME! 

Sincerely, 

Graeme Edwards 

Toike Managing Editor