Let’s state the obvious: Christmas music is annoying. An inescapable brigade of the same 20 songs sounding too cheerful for anyone’s good. We all know that the true purpose of Christmas music is to sell records. And what sells more than the risqué? 

As an esteemed Christmas songwriter myself, believe me when I tell you that the best part of the season is the cheque that comes my way at the end of the month after losing my sanity. Personally, I struggle to hide my feelings when I am writing because I must make my music jolly and family-friendly when the world is, in fact, not jolly or family-friendly. (But I must conform, or else nobody will give me any money!)

It is no secret that the original versions of these songs were profane, so why censor and compromise artistic integrity? However, nobody would buy my songs if they were actually cool. Here is an example: ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus’. I can think of a far more accurate substitution for the word kissing, elevating the song’s message. Also, it would be far more entertaining. But alas, we wouldn’t be able to brainwash children if this were a higher art form.

Let’s now take this time to admire a true masterpiece of Christmas music: Tom Lehrer’s “A Christmas Carol.” This song brings a fresh take on tired carols (like I do with my music), and exemplifies this message, by bringing out the true spirit of Christmas: Money!!!!!