As the resident Toike relationship guru, I tried. I tried so hard to find a compatible woman for Zandrew, my old NPC lab partner, in the hopes that we could pass on his superior academic abilities genetically. It would be such a shame if such a truly talented ECE died a virgin without siring offspring.
I allowed anyone to apply to my matchmaking pool through submitting a statement of interest, qualifications, and transcript. What followed was a flood of hopeful ECEs eager to prove their compatibility, and one commerce student who thought Verilog was a dating app. In total, we received over 1000 applications, proving that basically all of engineering agrees that Zandrew is a potential catch.
Below, I present a selection of applicants and why they were ultimately deemed incompatible with our bachelor.
Applicant 1: Miss “I Can Fix Him” – ECE 2T7, Female, 3.46 cGPA
Qualifications claimed: Took PSY100 for natural science AUs, “emotionally intuitive” and has background knowledge to “fix” Zandrew, thinks men who don’t text back are mysterious, not avoidant.
Why you were rejected: Zandrew does not need fixing. He needs a firmware update and possibly a humanization patch, both of which are outside your scope (since you foolishly didn’t take ECE342). You described your ideal date as “deep conversation until 3 a.m.” If you really knew Zandrew, you would know his bedtime is 10pm on school nights and 11pm on weekends. Also, Zandrew believes deep conversation is when someone explains why their simulation failed. You clearly don’t know him or care about him or love him.
You would cry. He would ask if crying affects compilation time.
Applicant 2: The Overqualified Tryhard – ECE 2T7, Male, 3.99 cGPA
Qualifications claimed: prev. 3x software engineering intern at Meta, 4.0 GPA in 2nd year ECE, personally invited by Dr. Lisa Su to do PEY at AMD, signed statement of interest “Best regards, [LinkedIn URL]”
Why you were rejected: Thank you for your interest in being matched with Zandrew.
Initially, we were concerned that pairing you with Zandrew would result in a mutually reinforcing productivity arms race fueled by “shared suffering,” which, while noted as your love language, is considered a baseline ECE competency rather than a differentiator.
Upon further review, we regret to inform you that you are male. Zandrew continues to identify as straight. We wish you the best in future applications.
Applicant 3: The TA – ECE PhD Candidate, Female, supervised by [redacted]
Qualifications claimed: “Strong mentorship energy,” ability to praise undergrads who debug their own code using phrases like “good boy” and “just like that,” patient, collaborative, eager to teach, “hands on” ;)))
Why you were rejected: This is not a bad porno. This is an academic integrity violation.
Applicant 4: Me (briefly, hypothetically) – ECE 2T7, Female, 2.13 cGPA
Qualifications claimed: Already emotionally invested, authentic, knows his problem-solving style.
I loved him before the fancy job offers and academic awards. He didn’t need those to impress me, just by working with him I saw how smart he was, how dedicated, how hardworking. I loved sharing a meal with him in the ECE common room, talking about mundane things with him. I don’t want fancy dates or flowers. I just want to be able to live with him, forever.
Why I was rejected: I don’t know Zandrew. Fucking return my calls.
Why I opted to remove myself from the matching pool: Reader, I have learned. I do not need to earn affection by interpreting silence as depth. I do not need to compete with Quartus Prime for attention. I deserve a man who, when I say “I like you,” does not respond with, “Is this for the lab or personal use?” I deserve a man who is a real man, who will take initiative and plan dates and make time for me.
Growth.
FINAL VERDICT: After careful review, no applicant met the minimum requirements. Zandrew remains unmatched, unpatched, and unbothered. And honestly? That might be his optimal state.
Editor’s Note: Verilog, thank you for taking the time to review applicants. I was mildly disturbed that out of 1000+ applicants, none met your requirements for Zandrew, so I tried going through a few of them on my own. It only took reading 3 profiles to match one to Zandrew (see her profile below). He agreed to go on a first date with her. I’d like for you to report on their date in the next issue of the Toike, so people see love is possible in engineering.
Applicant 5: The Successful One – EngSci BME 2T7, Female, 3.82 cGPA
Qualifications claimed: Undergraduate research experience, PEY secured at pre-IPO biomedical startup, high tolerance for silent, focused work, demonstrated ability to follow detailed protocols without emotional deviation
Why was she accepted: Have you seen her? She looks like Anne Hathaway! She’s Zandrew’s intellectual equal and drop-dead gorgeous! Even he isn’t immune to looks like these!
