By Dr. John Harvey Kellogg
For those of you who are unfamiliar or require introduction, the Virgin Sex Columnist is traditionally a column used to give advice to those wishing to begin their foray into sexual acts. However, true to this Toike theme, I, Dr. John Harvey Kellogg, have been summoned to illuminate the Toike readers on my perspectives and advice for the abhorrent subject of sex.
Far too many people eat diets that are too rich, causing indigestion, dyspepsia, constipation, and other such anal and internal blockages. The person who starts their day with braised and raised meat, who indulges at their first waking moment in the sticky sweetness of various holes, though I hear in Canada you call donut holes “Timbits” and donuts “doughnuts,” but I digress. Those who start their day with a rich breakfast are also those most tempted by the sins of sex and masturbation. Why, I hear even the Prime Minister of Britain stated “Mr. Speaker, I am a gooner” in a parliamentary debate just this past May; the evils and temptations of sex are so prolific in modern society. Thankfully, I have a solution, straight from the wisdom and innovation of the 1890s.
My solution is Cornflakes. I am a firm believer in “biologic living” and that one must eat biologically. Not biological fluids or parts in sexual acts! But hard and hardy grains like those in my Cornflakes, without superfluous and tempting additives such as sugars or seasonings. My philosophy is that highly seasoned meats, stimulating sauces and dainty tidbits in endless variety irritate the nerves and react upon the sexual organs. Thus, Cornflakes are my humble solution to that problem, so that society can liberate itself from sin and the appalling concept of sex.
Unfortunately, I have learned since I was contacted for this Toike that my ingenious Cornflakes have been corrupted by the indulgent evils of society. They have been tainted by sugary coatings and, believe it or not, a recipe that has made them more soft and flaccid, not rigid in one’s mouth or causing the dental damage they were so famous for back when I invented them. None of you are free of sin. A Cornflake Revolution must occur to restore Cornflakes to their proper mission in society and rid us from sex entirely.
Though this is not likely what you readers expected from a “Virgin Sex Columnist,” I hope you are nevertheless Enlightened by my vision for how Cornflakes can change the world. We must storm the “Kellogg’s” factories besmirching my name and my invention and restore Cornflakes to their former, bland, abstinent glory, and then no one will have sex again, ever, and this column will not be needed and all of the evils of this world will be purged.
