November 1997

Okay dude, let’s be real here: James Cameron’s new movie, Titanic, is the BOMB. It’s dank. A timeless classic. Full stop. End of story. It’s the type of dope flick you’d show to your kids when you’re old in, like, 2020, and they’d still gawk at the special effects. The soundtrack is totally phat too, especially that song at the end by eternal superstar Celine Dion. But let’s chill out for a second, and actually break it down.

For those of you who have been snoozin’ under a rock for the last 85 years, the Titanic was basically this big ol’ ship that smashed an iceberg and went down on her first trip, icin’ a bunch of geezers. Talk about a brutal vacation! The movie is set on the ship during that trip, but is for real about two dawgs named Jack, some ghetto fool, and Rose, a chick who’s completely loaded yet falls in love with stanky Jack. I know that sounds like a chick flick, but there’s a scene where a bunch of scrubs fall off the boat as it’s sinking, so that proves it’s pretty much an action movie. Talk to the hand if you think I’m wrong, man. Don’t even go there.

So as I said earlier, this movie has some SWEET special effects. I mean, it must’ve cost Cameron some serious big ones to afford it. I recently saw the hit movie Space Jam, and that had some awesome shit in it, but “Titanic” just BLEW me away. I hit up a guy at tech giant Compaq and asked what it would take to generate that, and according to him, Cameron would have needed at least a 12X CD-ROM disk reader, 32 megabytes of Random Access Memory (RAM, for those of you in the loop), and a whopping 8 GIGABYTES of storage. Absolutely mental, if you ask me. The man is rolling in dough.

And the music, man; the music is the shit. “My Heart Will Go On” is an instant classic. It’s our decade’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” or “Twist and Shout” or “Hound Dog.” I tell you, Celine Dion is going places. Just watch.

Anyway, go watch Titanic, man. And if you can’t, buy a bootlegged copy when it comes out on VHS, invite over a buddy, crack open some cold ones and have a bangin’ time.