For decades now, a famous baldie has encouraged several children to embark on mildly hazardous activities while never answering the million-dollar question: why the fuck is he bald?

If you’ve never seen Caillou, every episode consists of this little man child with this big ass bowling ball head doing some silly little activity in his backyard, sometimes featuring his little sister. He wears this one hideous yellow shirt-blue shorts combo during the whole show, and sometimes tries to cover his lack of hair with an equally hideous baseball hat.

Many have come up with elaborate, outlandish, or just straight up stupid theories as to why on earth an 8-year-old would have no hair. Through extensive research on the Internet, I have narrowed down the answer to one of the four following reasons:

1. Caillou is a victim of childhood cancer (chemo, bald child, you get the jist), and his adventures stem directly from either his parents letting him fulfill his last wishes or just him tripping balls on medication.

Now, you might say “That’s the most tinfoil hat theory I’ve ever heard,” and I would have to agree, but I did not come up with this. I only report what I see on the worldwide web. 

1. Caillou lost all of his hair and went prematurely bald due to U of T stress.

At this point you’re probably thinking “Is this fucker even smart enough to get into U of T?” which brings me to the next theory:

1. He lost his hair after getting rejected from U of T cause he’s dumb and keeps scraping his knees in the sandbox. He’s now grappling with the daunting realization that his university doesn’t even have a fucking name (he goes to UofT Regects Ryerson). Yeah, this one makes more sense
2. Lastly, God just did not deem him worthy of having hair.

This one is my favorite because it poses the existential question: how does one get on such bad terms with God to the point that he revokes your hair privilege? Idk man, just watch Caillou and find out.