What’s up all you Peters and Virginias. It’s your boy, Dick, with the hottest ways to keep yourself occupied through months of quarantine. Now, if you’re staying home alone or even if you’ve got loved ones keeping you company, ole Dick here knows that the lack of human contact can be physically, mentally and emotionally draining. Luckily for you, I’ve compiled a list of 5 things to do during quarantine to keep yourself mentally and physically stimulated. Enjoy! 

5) Watch Netflix 

So, what do you do when you’re at home all alone for weeks on end? Binge-watch Netflix, of course! Now, you can watch Prime or Disney+ if you want but I’m going with the streaming service that’s become a verb. Now there’s something on here for everyone. Looking to learn the basics? There’s two seasons of Sex Education waiting for you. Wanna mix it up with some high fantasy from Poland but still need your fill of “fun time”? Try the first season of The Witcher. Just tryna “keep warm” on a cool Fall night? Too Hot to Handle will get your engine going. Sit back and get ready for a tearjerker, so grab the tissues, and enjoy. 

4) Exercise 

Now sitting around watching Netflix might sound good most of the time, but what about when you really need to get yourself all sweaty? Well friends, that’s where exercise comes in. Since you’re not leaving your apartment, you’re not burning the Calories you used to burn walking or…doing other things. Try focusing on a muscle group you sometimes neglect like, I don’t know, the forearm of your dominant arm (NOT your submissive arm) and try some rapid finger movements or a sort of shaking or stroking motion. You’ll be surprised what it can do for your tennis game. If you’re not interested in strength-training, you should try some flexibility training to learn how to do the splits. The trick here is to spread your legs every day, going a little farther each time. By the time quarantine is over, you’ll be doing the splits whenever you want. Just spreading your legs all over town. 

3) Make a Home Cooked Meal 

Now, let’s move on to food. You might be tempted to get fast food or takeout every day but we all know that’s not the healthiest of diets. And what better way is there to get hot and bothered than cooking yourself a nice meal. Beat your meat to get it nice and tender. Flick some beans into a pot for a sexy vegan bowl of protein. Throw some gluten-free buns in the oven to save your marriage. Stick your penis in a homemade apple pie like the main character from that one movie. That last one felt a little wrong but you know what I mean. Get yourself in the kitchen and GO. TO. TOWN. (Flavortown if you’re feelin’ Fieri.) 

2) Masturbate 

The bars and the clubs have been closed for months and, even if you have a significant other, you probably haven’t been seeing them as much as you used to. My point is that everyone has needs and it is important to address those needs in a healthy way. There’s no joke in this entry so you can just go to the Number 1 entry now. 

1) Play Among Us 

Okay, I swear this one doesn’t have any masturbatory connotations. This game is basically Spyfall or Mafia meets “The Thing” but IN SPACE! If that’s not enough to convince you how fucking cool this game is, first of all, that’s pretty sus, and, second of all, I don’t know what will. Sure, the game will probably give you lifelong trust issues and will probably poison every relationship you have now and for the rest of your life. But you probably would have gotten those same trust issues from your friends muting themselves on Zoom anyways. You might as well have fun killing your friends while you grow more and more cynical.