To Whom It May Concern, 

Recently, there has been much discussion amongst the Toike staff regarding various conspiracy theories and the damage they can inflict on our national – and international – discourse. These discussions have led me to reflect on my own sordid past with conspiracy theories, specifically one that I myself perpetuated in this prestigious publication’s November Toike of last year. Specifically, the article entitled “French People Don’t Really Exist”.  

In the time since that piece was published, I have learned that French people do in fact exist, and that the so-called “evidence” I presented to the contrary was actually evidence that movies and television overlook most French actors and actresses in favour of their British and American counterparts.  

Therefore, I would like to sincerely apologize to all of our French readers and all French citizens for publishing such rhetoric. It was not my intention to offend you because, as you know, I didn’t think there was a you to offend. I would also like to apologize to all French actors and actresses for the casting decisions others have made that led to my misunderstanding, though I would like you to know that I am hardly a large part of those casting decisions (but I am somewhat involved in those decisions).  

Now that I have graciously apologized for my decision to publish such damaging misinformation, I would like everyone to immediately accept my apology and to apologize to me for blowing this whole thing out of proportion. I would also like my Knighthood to be restored (and let’s be honest Liz, you could throw in a Lordship for my troubles) because I have proved that I am the bigger person. 

Thank you all in advance, 

Lord [PENDING] French Character British Actor