World-renowned candy-maker William “Willy” Wonka was arrested on Wednesday under suspicion of Oompa Loompa trafficking, wanton child endangerment, and possible murder and cannibalism. The arrest comes after a months-long investigation spearheaded by the FBI as well as an independent investigation conducted by undercover Toike reporters.
The investigations into Wonka were initially prompted by a whistleblower complaint filed by a Wonka employee, who we will refer to as Mr. Slugworth. Among other things, Slugworth’s complaint alleged that Wonka was using undocumented Oompa Loompas that he had smuggled into the country as slave labour, that he had violated nearly every FDA health and safety protocol, and that he had covered up the “accidental” deaths and injuries of dozens of children lured to his factory by the promise of a lifetime supply of free candy.
“At this time, we cannot provide specifics on the nature of our investigation into Mr. Wonka and his businesses,” said FBI Public Relations Director Sarah Sanderson. “What we can say is that Mr. Wonka has been cooperating fully with our investigation. Additionally, Mr. Wonka has agreed to indefinitely cease inviting children from around the world to tour his factory. Quite frankly, I find it amazing that anyone in this day and age has to be told that luring children across state lines, while not illegal, is really creepy. Like John Wayne Gacy levels of creepy.”
Though the details of the FBI investigation are not yet fit for public consumption, four children who were very publicly invited to Wonka’s factory for a tour have been missing and feared dead since. The Toike can exclusively report that those four children were, at best, permanently disfigured at Wonka’s hands. Moreover, our undercover child investigator reports that Wonka’s previously prepared modes of transportation (specifically a chocolate-river-boat and a foam-car) had a decreasing number of seats, indicating that Wonka may have intended for accidents to befall his guests.
Despite these accounts of gross negligence and possible intent to commit murder, the Toike is now hearing that the FBI’s investigation is limited to Mr. Wonka’s financials and that he is facing charges of conspiracy to defraud the United States for decades of tax evasion at worst.