GROATHAM CITY POLICE DEPARTMENT – In a rare press conference on the steps of the GCPD 21st Precinct, Chief of Police Jiminy Grodan announced that the prolific criminal known as Captain Competent has struck again.
“We are currently investigating a jewel heist perpetrated late last night in the neighbourhood commonly referred to as Shady Heights,” said Chief Grodan to a gaggle of anxious reporters. “While our investigation is still in its infancy, preliminary findings suggest that the heist was perpetrated by the criminal known as Captain Competent. At this time, we are asking members of the public to come forward with any information that could lead to the capture of this fugitive. He is likely a male, though we have no way of knowing this and are not limiting our search to males at this time. We are well aware that women can be prolific criminals too.”
This jewel heist is just the latest in a string of seemingly unrelated crimes, including 4 burglaries, 2 counts of arson, 1 count of grand theft automobile, 5 murders – each committed with a different weapon – and 1 case of catnapping. While the cat was later found by authorities in an alley a few blocks from its home, interviews with the victim did not produce any leads in the ongoing investigation.
“The only thing these crimes have in common is that there was no physical evidence at the crime scene to narrow down the suspect list,” said an officer on the condition of anonymity. “The Chief’s convinced that these crimes were committed by the same person just because that’s how things usually go in this town. Some of the rookies have started to call this guy the Random Raider because he doesn’t commit the same crime in the same way. Some call him the Neurotic Nemesis on account of the lack of evidence. Personally, I think these crimes are being committed by a bunch of different people who are all learning to cover their tracks. I don’t think there is such a person as Captain Competent.”
“All crime in Groatham is committed by a handful of supervillains,” said a GCPD spokesperson in response to the claims that this master criminal doesn’t exist. “And they all leave behind signatures to claim credit for the crime. The Rustler leaves behind cow-shaped piggy-banks like a psychopath, the Puzzler leaves behind 1000-piece jigsaw puzzles to prove her superior intellect, the Purple Prowler painted his victims’ faces and hands a distinct shade of purple until the lead-based paint killed them. The list goes on and on. This Captain Competent or Random Raider or Neurotic Nemesis or whatever you want to call him leaves behind nothing. THAT’S CLEARLY HIS SIGNATURE! OR HER SIGNATURE! Besides, what’s the alternative? That the Chief of Police is fabricating a supervillain so that, when he solves one of the crimes attributed to Captain Competent, he can say that he solved them all and then one day run for Mayor as the Chief of Police who stopped the most notorious serial criminal of all time? That would be insane.”