Dear Miss Ogeny,

I never had a girlfriend in high school, and now that I’m starting first year, I think I’m ready for a serious, committed relationship. The only problem is that I’ve never really spoken to a girl

before. Any tips? I’m desperate!!!

Chad Winthrop III

 

Well Chad, you’ve come to the right place for advice, as I am a certified expert in talking to girls. The key to getting girls is to ensure you treat them as inanimate objects. Girls are far more attracted to you if you talk down to them, like they’re lesser human beings. Drive the point home by referring to her as “it” in conversation. That’ll drive it wild!

Girls always take compliments as backhanded insults, and the inverse is true too. Be sure to spice up your game by adding some insults into your conversation to reel her in. My favourites to use are “get back to the kitchen” and “shut the fuck up, slut”. When in doubt, a little “bitch” never hurt anyone! Remember, girls always like a bad boy, so there’s no such thing as being too insulting. If all else fails, you can try looking cool and aloof by simply ignoring them. It’s a sure-fire way to win her undying devotion!

Best of luck,

Miss Ogeny

 

Dear Miss Ogeny,

I’m 21 years old, and guys just don’t find me attractive. What should I do?

Desperately Single

Obviously, the problem lies with your appearance. Guys love the hairless look, so the less hair you have, the better. Shave everything. You can draw those eyebrows back on later. You should also check out trends that guys hate, and make sure you avoid all of them. I’m sure you’ll be able to find an outfit or two that conform to men’s standards.

 

You should also consider changing your personality. Remember, guys don’t want to be with a girl who’s better than him at anything, so you should try to be as incompetent as possible at absolutely everything. Tying shoes? Nope, sorry, don’t know how. Spelling your name? No chance in hell.

On a related note, be sure not to have your own opinion about anything. Guys prefer it when their women agree with everything they say. And besides, for only the low cost of your self-esteem, you’ll avoid all those pesky arguments!

Go get dat dick,

Miss Ogeny