I just wanna say straight up that if Moby Dick had been a white shark instead of a giant sperm whale, the book would have been ten times shorter, and I wouldn’t have lost two fricken months of precious life that I will never, ever get back. 

Believe me, I know this may be a sensitive and controversial topic for any literature nerds or English majors out there. But the Toike isn’t here to suck up to you. We’re here to tell the hard truths. Sharks are cooler, faster, and deadlier than any whale. They’ll find you, kill you, and eat you faster than Moby Dick ever could.

I’m telling you, if Moby Dick had been a shark, he would have fully eaten Captain Ahab during their first encounter. This means Ishmael wouldn’t have gotten on board of that haunted ship with that maniac, sailing for months without finding the damn whale, so bored that he decided to write a 900-page diary where he describes the anatomy of every single type of whale because he has nothing else to do with his life. 

Maybe writing soothed him, or distracted him from the unpleasant experience of being exposed day and night to smelly sailors – don’t get me wrong, I support it. But Ishmael, my dude, my man, you gotta give us some action once in a while. (Spoiler alert!!!) You can’t wait until the last three chapters to find Moby fucking Dick, you dick! (pun intended). Not after almost drowning in your literary depression. If I wanted to read about animal physiology, or any non-fiction shit, I would have gone to fricken Gerstein. But I chose to read you. I committed to your story because you sold it to me like a classic epic adventure of sea and vengeance. Your only job was to make my engineering life less miserable than it already is. 

So, I just wanna point out that if Moby Dick had been a shark, he would have gotten the job done so much faster. He would have killed the man when he was supposed to die, and that would have saved me months of pain and misery.

P.S. Saltiness aside, it’s a classic that you must read at least once in your life. But just once. Please. Life is short and Moby Dick is long. And speaking of long, I’d love to know the story behind its name ;). If you happen to know it or have any R-Rated guesses, please share it with @ToikeOike!

Editor’s Note: We realize most of you probably don’t read. Well, *actually* read, so this is the universe’s sign for you to go pick up a fucking book and consume some Dick. Haha