AriesHave you considered being less hot-headed? Less quick to act and quicker to chase? Nah, neither has the mako shark. Apparently they’ve got real fast swimmers – no wait, they ARE fast swimmers so flippity flop over to grab a chill pill. TaurusAhh you fucking narcissist you. This month, the 7th house is in the […]
Down 1. H2O Island 2. Great ____ 3. Biggest Shark 7. My favourite Disney movie 9. Biggest ocean 10. Jaws 12. This entire species needs veneers 15. Shylock Across 1. That extinct shark that people think is hiding in the deep, deep ocean 4. Sharks don’t have these 5. Popular song 6. Not a screw […]
You hear it in the halls, it bounces off the walls; it’s on the tip of everyone’s tongue and you feel it in your balls: “the Toike has jumped the shark.” Now, you might be thinking: “<name of author>, I haven’t heard this a single time!” Well, open your ears and think with your eyes. […]
It was a comfortable 20 degrees Celsius in Las Vegas when my flight landed. By the time my cab pulled into the front driveway at the Venetian, that number had gone up to a balmy 28. Despite the heat, my whole body shivered, goosebumps covering every inch of my arms. After weeks of waiting for […]
Sharkboy and Lavagirl debuted in the cult classic film, called – you guessed it – Sharkboy and Lavagirl. In this popular cinematic tale, the duo defeats their enemies in a series of events I really couldn’t summarize, even after reading the Wikipedia page several times. Just know that Sharkboy almost died like, twice, via electric […]
Billy BlowholeDOLPHINS ARE MORE FUCKABLE Holden TudiksEXCUSE YOU! SHARKS ARE MORE FUCKABLE Okay, I know this is Shark Toike but I think it’s obvious to everyone that the ugliest dolphins are a million times more fuckable than the sexiest shark. You cannot be serious! Dolphins are infinitely sexier! I mean, their noses are like […]
Down 1. What did one shark say to the other? “Stop being such a _!” 2. The shark that meets all expectations. 4. What do sharks use to write? 5. Sticks and stones may break my bones. 7. Where do sharks go to make money? 10. What happened to the shark when it went to […]
Look, I just think their passive aggressiveness needs to stop. Just ‘cause they don’t get as much aqussy as us doesn’t mean they should channel that energy to tough personas. It really isn’t necessary to be this fake, can they chill the fuck out? I mean, sure they have that ‘will eat you up, after […]
My dearest King Shark, Some say you, sir, are the sole supremely sensuous, simply seductive slick-skinned sex symbol swimming in the Seven Seas and the sexiest super sinning stud-muffin in The Suicide Squad. Safe to say that “some” includes a somewhat sexually starved satirical scrivener saying such sweet, soul-stirring sentences with similar starting sounds for […]
I just wanna say straight up that if Moby Dick had been a white shark instead of a giant sperm whale, the book would have been ten times shorter, and I wouldn’t have lost two fricken months of precious life that I will never, ever get back. Believe me, I know this may be a […]
