You hear it in the halls, it bounces off the walls; it’s on the tip of everyone’s tongue and you feel it in your balls: “the Toike has jumped the shark.” Now, you might be thinking: “<name of author>, I haven’t heard this a single time!”

Well, open your ears and think with your eyes. Just look at what they’ve gotten up to recently! Dressing up in maid outfits!? In public! In the eloquent words of u/Competitive_Royal_95, “They kinda look like males to me.” Well said. And, of course, there’s u/spongepenis who chimed in with “glad I got rejected now ngl.” This expression of cope distaste is damaging to the University, to Skule, and to the Toike as a whole. How disgraceful.

More recently, quality control complaints have been spreading as students discover other resources that fill the Toike’s main functions better than it does. When it comes to Toiking a person, students have begun to use copies of the Varsity as it provides a more biological mode of attack: “See, the Toike is always freshly available in aesthetic newsstands, clearly placed with love by a caring distro team within the last 3-4 weeks. The Varsity though? I can only find it soaked in puddles or moulding on the 7th basement of some psychology building I just discovered today and will never hear of ever again. Toike someone with that and they get bacterial sinusitis, not just some half-assed ink on their face.”

And, as for the other definition of “Toiking” something, research from a 1st year Praxis group has invented a revolutionary device they’re calling a “door impedance device that operates on the principles of normal force, friction, and trigonometry” (Figure 1). “It took us 4 months to develop this idea that we’ll never actually build, but on the bright side we have well over 50 pages of documentation explaining all the charts we made, brainstorming tools we used, and documentation we wrote. Wait a minute… isn’t that infinite recursion?”