Aries
Have you considered being less hot-headed? Less quick to act and quicker to chase? Nah, neither has the mako shark. Apparently they’ve got real fast swimmers – no wait, they ARE fast swimmers so flippity flop over to grab a chill pill.

Taurus
Ahh you fucking narcissist you. This month, the 7th house is in the trench of Orion’s uh, water horizon, which means the scalloped hammerhead in you has to be set free. Hop on out of water. Exams are near, get air.

Gemini
Mhm you know that hottie you’ve been checking out? Yeah, that one. Stalk them. Sneakily though, just like a sand shark – all concealed and writhing all over the pit floor. That’ll catch em in your net ;))

Cancer
Man, the return to in-person hasn’t done you any favours eh? It’s cool, if you’d rather lurk in your cave like a uh *checks notes* Frilled Shark, that’s okay. I mean, no, you can’t petition to stay home, per se, but do it anyway. We’ll send you nudes – uh notes.

Leo
Have you heard of the Banded Wobbegong? That’s rhetorical your ego won’t let you say no. Much like you, they’re preening, admirable, slippery bastards. Dude, go finish that assignement, your team is waiting.

Virgo
We’ll take the moral high ground and not crack the low- hanging “you’re a virgin” joke. We don’t have to mention it – because the universe will. Your ascending is connected to Grey Reef Sharks, which, I mean, have you seen one? Yeah no, they went extinct.

Libra
The fairest sharks, by far, are the uh the… fuck what’s a good name? The Bonnethead sharks. Yo, those exist? Hell yeah. That’s you, Libra. A bonehead. Bonnethead, sorry.

Scorpio
Ayyye scorpio? You spicy spicy blacktip shark. No we don’t know whether your tip is black, that’s a type of shark. Wait, now that you mention it, is your tip black? As in, just the tip and nothing else? Holy shit, did you do it with a Toike? Niiiiiiice.

Sagittarius
Has anyone called you “curvalicious”? Let us be the first – because as the moon descends on to the 5th quadrant of the ocean’s astral plane, your stars align with the whale shark. That’s right. You’re fake as fuck.

Capricorn
Have you had to fend off an alarming amount of engineers lately? That’s because we love nurses, and you’re a nurse shark. Okay, that and we want your cheat sheets. Please? Can you send them? Be a broski. Please.

Aquarius
Did you know that sharks and humans produce similar types of secretion? Based on a 10 second Google search, at least. You are the link between sharks and us. Your absolute and utter wetness. Slurp.
Talk nerdy to me.

Pisces
You’re a literal fucking fish, which means that the universe wants you to be eaten (out or otherwise) by a shark. Be on the look out for sharp teeth… those can uh cause permanent damage.