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Local Child Regrets Wish

After the nightmare that was 2020, many people in the world justifiably assumed that some malevolent being was controlling the events of the year. Some thought that Satan himself had gotten control of the world somehow. Others thought that the deep state (or more likely God) was trying to tank the US economy to ruin Donald Trump’s chances of re-election. Others still thought that the people running the game of Sims we call a universe finally got bored and started the “burn-it-with-fire” stage of every game of Sims.

However, it seems the cause for the crazy year we’ve just experienced may not be as nefarious as previously thought. According to the Toike’s New York affiliate paper, the true cause of 2020 was a 14-year-old kid named Bobby who just wanted to pass his world history test.

“I…I was trying to study for my tests, and I wasn’t getting it,” said Bobby. “Bu-but I had this magic lamp and this Genie offered me three wishes. My first wish was to understand world history and that’s when all the things happened. I’m really sorry everyone.”

According to Bobby’s mom, he had particular trouble with a few key moments in history: the Spanish Influenza, the Civil Rights movement and the Watergate scandal. It seems the Genie Bobby summoned was trickier than he was led to believe they were by popular culture. The Genie apparently decided to make some of history’s most stressful events occur all at once so Bobby could get first-hand knowledge on them.

Despite the damage caused to the world, our sources tell us that Bobby successfully passed all of his courses, primarily because his history teacher has terrible internet. So, glass half full?