SexToike has stirred readers with its vanguard content

A man who allegedly reads publications like Playboy “just for the articles” has been reported as “flabbergasted” by the actual sexual content in the SexToike. After casually retrieving and opening a Toike last Monday, Hank “Wank” McFeely was reportedly seen widening his eyes in seeming delight before immediately slamming the paper close and turning his head rapidly back and forth searching for witnesses to his apparently heinous deed. Upon realising that he was in the middle of the Pit, witnesses also attest to McFeely’s complexion transforming into a shade somewhere in the range of “beet-red” to “caught-with-hispenis-in-his-hands-crimson.”

“Woah. That was not what I was expecting,” stated McFeely to nobody in particular, after exaggeratingly pursing his lips and making the innocent-whistlethat-guilty-people-in-cartoonsmake-after-being-guilty. When confronted with the information that the front cover of the paper clearly had “SexToike” emblazoned on it in prominent and unmissable font, McFeely defended himself by saying, “well for my…literary needs, I’ve always had high-class publications like Playboy and Sports Illustrated – Swimsuit Edition to satisfy my… intellect. It really surprised me that a paper like the Toike would have such great…articles.”

Despite not being questioned further, McFeely then launched into what appeared to be a rehearsed tirade about how Playboy has had articles written by literary luminaries like Jack Kerouac and how Sports Illustrated has won the National Magazine Award for General Excellence.

McFeely was later seen buying fourteen jars of mayonnaise, three chocolate bars, and a loofah at a local Shoppers so that he would have other things to hand the cashier besides the five paperbagged magazines that everyone knows he really came into the store for.