TORONTO – At a press conference today, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford said “sorry” again after admitting to having caused the Bhopal chemical disaster in 1984, the crash of Swiss Air flight 111, and both the Chernobyl and Three Mile Island nuclear accidents. He also admitted to funding North Korea’s military programme and driving the snakes back into Ireland.

When pressed for comment, he clearly and plainly said “sorry”. Added his brother and leash holder, Doug Ford, “he said ‘sorry’, what more do you people want from him? Fucking left-wing Toronto Star socialists!”

Upon leaving the conference Rob Ford proceeded to kick a puppy, yell at a woman riding a bicycle, and snort a line of cocaine off the hood of his Escalade.

It is now believed that Rob Ford is responsible for numerous disasters and industrial accidents, as well as global civil unrest. However, his supporters are undeterred: “he privatized half of Toronto’s garbage collection. I literally care about nothing else.”