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Med Sci Dean Confirms No Corpses Have Escaped Laboratories (This Morning)

Earlier this month, the Dean of the Faculty of Medicine held a press conference on front campus and announced that no corpses have walked out of the Medical Sciences Building as of this morning. The Dean made this announcement suddenly and for no discernable reason.

The announcement has caused some concern among students and staff at the university. After the zombie breakout at Guelph University last month, many people are worried that the University of Toronto could also be sieged by zombies. However, the Dean has reassured everyone that he is not, in fact, trying to create a process that reverses death and that everyone should remain calm.

On Friday afternoon, Tnedu Tsicsdema, a Med Sci student, approached The Toike Oike about exposing the truth behind the Med Sci Building. “Although it is well known that we have a morgue in the lower levels of our building, corpses are not expected to walk out, as they are, y’know, dead.” Tnedu also claims that resurrection is impossible, adding that cadavers in the Med Sci Building are used exclusively for teaching purposes and not for experimentation, scientific or occult.

“The Med Sci Building always smells a bit like rotting corpses. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re hiding something,” said Tnavre Sboyrev, a very observant engineering student. Nevertheless, since the Dean of Medical Sciences confirmed that a corpse did not walk out of the MedSci Building’s doors, we can conclude beyond a reasonable doubt that no suspicious activities are being undertaken at all. Nope. Not at all.