It is a well-established fact that Indiana Jones didn’t factor into the outcome of “Raiders of the Lost Ark” but there’s a very important question about the history professor and archeologist that is too often ignored: is Indiana Jones the hero? The majority of the sheeple that make up our so-called society would likely scoff at that line and stick to the party line that he’s obviously the hero. But I’d argue that Indiana Jones is not only not the hero but he’s actually the villain of the movie.

Wait. No. That’s gonna get taken out of context given there are…well…literal Nazis in the movie. Um. Obviously, the Nazis are the main villains. When doing rankings, Nazis are always the baddest of guys. All I’m trying to say is that Indiana Jones isn’t a hero.

I mean, just for a second, let’s ignore the fact that there’s like a 90% chance that he’s banged at least one of his female students or the fact that he first hooked up with Marion Ravenwood when she was a fucking teenager. No, let’s focus on the fact that, since he was a teenage narc, Indy has traveled the world plundering the treasures and artifacts of primarily indigenous cultures to hide away in a museum or in a weird government warehouse.

He’s just kind of sketchy, okay? Now, can we all just forget that I started this off by implying he was as much a villain as the Nazis? Please? I admit it was a little hyperbolic. Okay, very hyperbolic. Please?