Moviegoers at the Yonge Street Cineplex last Sunday were surprised when a baby loudly announced its dissatisfaction with the recently released Sin City: A Dame to Kill For. Tristan Isaac Stevenson, 7 months old, reportedly launched into an incoherent babble which became a tirade of screams, lasting for the entire length of the movie.
Critics have since heralded the critique as inspired, poignant, and succinct. “He’s accomplished so much at such a young age,” said renowned reviewer Ron Akermann. “The goal of every critic is to make others hate what they hate. I honestly expect there wasn’t a single person in that theatre who went home feeling they had enjoyed their night out. It was beautiful.”
Tristan’s unique insight is quickly edging out the competition. “Tristan was able to convey a deeply disparaging review of everything from cast to writing to special effects, all in a few wordless screams,” says Akermann. “In an industry where word count can determine readership, Tristan’s inarticulate yelps were so effective that critics like myself were unable to write our own reviews. There was just nothing left to say.”
Tristan’s parents, Jim and Christine Stevenson, have expressed their own concerns. “At first it was kind of endearing, and we were proud to have such a prodigious child. Now he complains about everything,” says Christine. “Everything I do is subject to criticism, whether it’s the way I’m rocking him or the temperature of his bath. He even gave my breast milk a one-star review!”
“We used to take him to more expensive restaurants, but everyone recognizes him now,” explains Jim Stevenson. “We’ve tried putting a moustache and wig on him, but the instant he starts to critique the food, we’re asked to leave. He won’t eat anywhere that’s got less than two stars on Yelp.”
The Stevenson family believes Tristan’s enthusiasm for critique is caused by the amount of time spent reading Rotten Tomatoes and watching Gordon Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares during the early months of Christine’s pregnancy.
At the time of publishing, Tristan was unavailable for comment, but Toike Oike Editor-in-Chief Colin Parker hopes to hire him for a regular political column as soon as the infant finishes teething.
