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Stock Exchange Boiling Over

Bay street is overflowing with investors urgently clamoring to make sense of the fluctuations in the stock market this week.

Already Brown Exchange Energy Funds (BEEF) stock is going down the drain: the company has recently faced major public criticism for its high amount of methane emissions and the CEO’s recent death due to Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease. As of print, the company is being liquidated, and several major projects canned. Similar turmoil is affecting Canadian Highways King-National (CHKN) stock; after boiling over mid-month in August. Several traders have turned the blame to a new merger between Canadian Highways King-National and the new Y-chromosome specific branch of famed biotechnology company

Celera Genomics, dubbed Celera-Y (CELERY), believing that the inclusion had left a bad taste in investors’ mouths. Even the elite class of investors trading through the wealth management enterprise Consomme-Bisque Ltd. have felt their assets being watered down.

This crisis is anything but unexpected, as the stock exchange has been reducing slowly over a long period of low heat and energy. Many stocks have been abandoned entirely after recent controversies in the involvement of these companies in environmentally costly salt mining projects, which has caused investors to switch to low-sodium ETFs. The overseas market has also recently been outcompeting local businesses as cheap, reliable options to fill portfolios, particularly the stocks from the Japanese company Ramaka Enterprises (RAMEN), which is gaining notoriety at many leading business schools and expounding its reputation.

Leading stock analyst Boyard E. Campbell has commented on the fiscal disaster, citing an oversaturation of government meddling. “After all,” says Campbell, “too many cooks will spoil the broth.”

One commodity not suffering from the recent bubbling-over in the market is Voltero Energy (VEG) stock, which has been a hot stock with its green image appealing to the Millennial investor market. Adding to its positive public perception is its amenability towards investors, offering free saltine crackers with each stock sold. However, as the stock exchange threatens to spill over completely, even savvy investors may be burned.

The future of the Canadian stock market, which once appeared clear, now is looking cloudy.