What’s going on everyone! It’s Tank here with your monthly “The Tank Ranks”. Now my friends in the street are telling me that there are some fresh faces at U of T this month and that a lot of them are new to the big city. Well, I thought that I should do my part to welcome these newbies to this dope-ass city, which is why this month’s ranking is all about the TTC. That’s right, the Tank himself is gonna give you the inside track, no pun intended, on getting around the city. So buckle up, or don’t cuz we’re talking ‘bout subways and seat belts aren’t a thing, because we’re about to hit the rails!
Honourable Mention: That new LRT on Eglinton
It’s not here yet, but the Tank knows that the Eglinton LRT is gonna be kind of trash. It’s gonna take a while for it to get back to zero points after all the deductions for the traffic caused by its construction process too.
- The Blue Line a.k.a. The Scarborough Line a.k.a. The Scarberian Express
Alright, we’re gonna kick this list off with Line 3, which is a collection of six stops in the far east of Toronto. Now, the Tank’s gonna give the Scarborough Line extra points for having six stops in the 6ix. Unfortunately, the Tank has to deduct even more points because this line is in Scarborough. I mean, the word scar is literally in the name. Do not go to this place. And if you do have the misfortune of finding yourself on the Scarberian Express, please reconsider your life choices.
- The Purple Line a.k.a. The Sheppard Line a.k.a. Oh Right, that is a Subway Line
Our second-to-worst position on this list goes to Line 4. Honestly, this one is so far north that I regularly forget that it exists. How did they get through the permafrost to build that subway tunnel? I know it’s only five stations but that seems like a lot of effort for a series of stops a bus could make. I can’t think of anything else to say about the Sheppard Line because it’s so aggressively meh.
- The Green Line a.k.a. The Bloor-Danforth Line a.k.a. Holy Shit Toronto’s Wide
The bronze medal goes to Line 2. This subway line is a constant reminder that Toronto is a really wide city, you know, if you were looking down on a map. Unless the map was oriented with East and West at the top and bottom. Then it would be a reminder that Toronto’s a really tall city. Anyways, this line has a lot going for it: riding the Bloor line takes you through a lot of really diverse areas of the city and it’s pretty cool when it crosses the Don River. Unfortunately, the Tank has to deduct points for the fact that it really only has like 4 useful stations in the very middle. You don’t want to go to the ends. At the East end, you get to Scarborough [see #5] and the West end is Kipling station. The Tank once took the subway all the way West and, by the time he got to Kipling, the only other passengers were a guy who had fallen asleep and probably missed his stop and a ferret another passenger had forgotten.
- The Yellow Line a.k.a. The Yonge-University Line a.k.a. The Useful Line
Our silver medal goes to Line 1. This subway line gets our second-place position for a few reasons. It has the most useful stations on it, with stops at Union station, Yonge and Dundas Square, the Yonge and Eglinton Centre, and the Vaughan Metropolitan Centre. It connects with the two other subway lines that aren’t located in Scarborough (seriously, do NOT go to Scarborough). It can be useful for students who stay at Chestnut Residence when it’s really cold or rainy outside (not that the Tank ever did anything like that). But most importantly, it has…the best…actual subways. You know the ones that are all like one subway car? Those things are dope as shit! I mean, the Tank would deduct points for having those electronic subway maps that you can’t really steal (not that the Tank has tried…but lowkey if you can steal one of those, hit the Tank up). But damn, those electronic signs are dope too! And then those platforms in between the sections are like a fun little balancing game you can play on your commute. Haha, the Yellow Line is hands down the best TTC subway line.
- …
So, what’s the gold medal going to? Is it, the GO Train? Is it the Spadina or Queen streetcar? NO! It’s literally any other method of transportation. The subway sucks. Period. Do not take the subway. If you do, you will hate yourself. Walk places. If Google Maps says that it’ll take you 45 minutes to walk some place, the Tank says that you can walk it in 32. And you won’t have a weirdo coughing on you on your commute.
So that’s this month’s “The Tank Ranks” and I really hope that you guys learned something, even if that something was just to stay out of Scarborough. I really can’t stress enough how much you need to avoid Scarborough.
