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Virgin Sex Columnist: Monty Python’s March Sadness

I’m disappointed, everyone. Suffice it to say that – no, you know what? No sufficement this time, not after the lack-luster response this past month. Thanks for nothing, guys. Every time I get a notification with some photo identifying the love of my life, you know what I see? Shams. Frauds. Duds. Every single email! Now I’ll be entering the dreaded finals season having completely missed out on cuffing season. I assure you, if this were the Medieval ages, I wouldn’t be left out; in fact, immediately upon winter’s cumming, I bet I would have been the first to volunteer to be shackled for some consensual dungeon role-playing… especially one of those  huge metal belts with a lock was included.


I remember when I first “awakened” to the mysteries of sex through my first watching of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, a fascinating documentary on the Dark Ages. Sir Galahad, the Chaste reminded me of myself – an immature young individual who didn’t understand anything about interactions with certain developed and desirable persons. In particular, it was the castle scene with young maidens (dubiously claiming to be fellow virgins), begging Sir Galahad to spank them, that particularly interested a younger version of this innocent columnist. Even today I deeply sympathize with this stoic chaste greenhorn unable to understand the carnal environment he was given invitation to enter, as only a seasoned celibate such as myself can appreciate. However, upon reflection, there are many deep and disturbing problems with this representation of the virginal lifestyle.


To start, who knows what weird customs Medieval virgins would have had in those days? Forget spanking – sexual desires were mainly restrained to courtly love, and for good reason. My theory is that their hygiene was so bad that they probably used sheets as protection; not for their genitals, but for everything else.


Don’t even get me started on the lack of sex education back then: when virgins finally lost their status and put all 13 of their corsets back on, they would have been so tired that they wouldn’t have sex for another lunar cycle. Did no one teach the children about the 17 hours of undressing and redressing involved with sex? ! The only people with any chance of getting it on were most likely the peasants, who probably had to do it 25/8 if they were going to have any chance of having kids before dying at the age of 30.


Let’s face it – virgins across the ages have basically been naive clucking spring chickens, wet behind the ears and sadly nowhere else. While I appreciate that Monty Python and the Holy Grail made the effort to diversify their story with a non-sexually experienced character, the unfortunate representation of virginal experiences may as well be “fake news”, especially for the given period. I therefore request a reboot of the film, with some serious attention given to rewriting the scene for a more perceptive understanding of the oppressive experiences virgins went through each and every day.