It has recently come to my attention that you lowly Muggles have been inserting me into romantic relationships of your choosing. Very well, I suppose this could be entertaining, but be warned. My father holds a great deal of power at the Ministry and you would NOT want to upset him.

Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter

POTTER! That good-for-nothing boy adored by all simply for being famous? That son of a blood traitor and a mudblood? You know, surviving Voldemort as a baby is hardly impressive. He has no skills beyond some basic Quidditch ability and is the same as all those other holier-than-thou Gryffindors. 

Rating: 2/10

Draco Malfoy/Hermione Granger

A MUDBLOOD! Who thought that “shipping” me with a filthy mudblood would be a good idea? And Granger of all people! Do you value your lives? I will not sully the pure and good name of the Malfoys with this scum.

Rating: 1/10

Draco Malfoy/Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way

I have never even seen this girl at Hogwarts. let alone in Slytherin. And you say she is in my year? I see she comes from this “fic” called My Immortal. You all need something better to do with your time. No, I don’t like your noise, and no, I would never wear your tasteless clothing. What is a ‘goth’ anyway? Do you mean Gothicism? Because I would have you know that my family commissioned the reconstruction of Westminster Abbey. Anyhow, this Ebony/Enoby character seems to be an absolute pain in the arse, especially with those tears of blood. AND I DO NOT CRY THAT MUCH! 

Rating: 3/10 (at least she’s a Slytherin)

The lot of you are delusional and if you know what is good for you, you will find a new hobby. Be glad I am being so lenient. If I were my father, you all would have been Avada Kedavra‘d by now, or better, Crucio‘d.