Virgin Sex Columnist: Reclaiming My Male Power By Subverting Society’s Expectations to Maximize My Sigma Alpha (I’m both at once) Power.

They said “worst songs to have sex to,” so I viewed it as “best songs to create shareholder value to.”

So, as happens to me as a high-value male, my sheer aura was so powerful that it began to make my nether regions, or as I like to call him, Banksy, ache desperately. I needed to have sex with someone high value. Women are inherently worthless and unfortunately as I am an ECE student, I am surrounded by low-level skuligans and beta cucks…who already have girlfriends and rejected my advances. Therefore, I had to turn and sleep with the most high-value character around: myself.

I usually keep the music in my ears filled, with alpha male podcast in one ear and 𝝁ing (note-I am alpha enough to use the correct Greek letter to refer to it but sigma enough to not draw attention to it) suggestions in the other. However, I recently became informed of the “worst songs to have sex to” playlist. Obviously, this provides an interesting challenge to me as I immediately recognized the chance to maximize my own internal power by achieving what many men failed to do: dominate the “worst songs to have sex to” playlist.

I easily maneuvered through “Jesus Take the Wheel” and “You Got a Friend In Me,” and artfully dodged Weird Al Yankovic as I weird al yanked my dick. Crazy Frog and The Wiggles had nothing on my confident mega aura. However, then I faced the biggest challenge of all: the dulcetly erotic tones of “Yackety Sax.”

I can only describe what happened next in the form of a Shakspearian sonnet.

I felt as my love coursed from base to tip.

The thrumming toots guide me beyond this plane.

I’m picturing his sax against my lip

To that strange vaguely circusy refrain.

Tingles traveled down to dangling jizz orbs,

Gently grew to something monstrous, eldritch.

My heartbeat skipped to sweet soprano chords.

I was reduced to a submissive bitch.

Crescendoing to points of no return,

I surf upon an ocean of brass bliss.

My inner metronome begins to churn,

My hand and dong prolonging a french kiss.

With a small prayer, the train is off the tracks.

I blow my load to sweet, yackety sax.

So, uhhhhhhhhhh……….

At first, I was a touch concerned, a rare showcase for my usual steel cool demeanor. I had just achieved nirvana in exactly 7.82 seconds while listening to the groovy brass tunes, which is a full 2.73 seconds faster than normal, indicating a 25.8768% decrease in time. This could present a weakness, as any inconsistency is a chance to fumble the ever-escaping bag. 

However, I then realized this provides a true advantage. In the modern era, time is an ever fleeting resource. Time spent cranking hog could be spent buying NFTs. By discovering this song, I had discovered a way to shave 2.73 seconds off of my time. This can save me 3 minutes every day. With that much time saved, I should be able to significantly increase my investment portfolio and record more episodes of my micro-podcast mini-series. 

Not everyone is as resourceful as I am in this low-value, depraved society. But I have found a way to increase my value beyond the previously considered heights. By totally pounding my dick to Yackety Sax.