In the least shocking twist of 2020, Republicans have reaffirmed their commitment to governing as if it was the 1950’s with $600 stimulus checks after blocking monetary aid packages for months. “It’s no secret that the Republican position on issues like voting rights, abortion, police reform and marriage equality are reminiscent of opinions that belong […]
What’s up Skuligans! We’re back with another listicle because they’re easy to write and they take up a lot of space. Today, we’re gonna rank the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World…by sexiness. Because everyone who writes for this paper, myself included, is a degenerate. And let’s be honest, last month’s issue was an awakening […]
With coronavirus restrictions being eased in Egypt, tourists are once again flocking to the most popular sites. However, people have started noticing something different about one of the world’s oldest monuments. Yes friends, it seems that the regal riddle-lover herself, the Sphinx, used her time out of the spotlight to get some stonework done. “Of […]
A new study published by the American Society of Historians (ASH) has determined that the popular internet series, “Epic Rap Battles of History,” is actually more informative than the average history class in the United States of America. The study gathered a pool of over ten thousand elementary and high school students from across the […]
Over the last couple of hours, we at the Toike have been concerned by the dozens of reports claiming that the Titanic has hit an iceberg and is now sinking. Though the other newspapers will ridicule us for doing so and resent us for exposing their corruption, we believe that our readers should know that […]
War. It is a fearsome word, conjuring images of hatred and violence as groups of soldiers charge into battle against each other for home and country. And, terribly as they often go, wars almost invariably end the same way—with one group of people reigning victorious over the other. 1930s Australia didn’t get the memo. The […]
YPRES, BELGIUM – My fellow Canadians, there is a humanitarian crisis occurring right now in Belgium. A flagrant violation of human rights so despicable that it should be outlawed from henceforth in some sort of Convention named for a Swiss or Dutch town. It is not the use of poison gas that vexes me so, […]
BERLIN, GERMANY – Following the failed Operation Barbarossa, significant losses in the Battle of Normandy on D-Day and a failed attempt to contest the results of the war with Operation Spring Awakening, the Third Reich is now lashing out at soldiers in the field for “fraudulently continuing to count battles after Dunkirk”. “If you look […]
With the COVID-19 pandemic raging out of control in the US and hundreds of thousands of Americans dead, millions of Americans decided to celebrate the origins of Thanksgiving by participating in a tradition as old as the holiday itself: spreading deadly diseases. “Shortly after the First Thanksgiving, the Pilgrims gave smallpox contaminated blankets to the […]
A Happy New Year to you, Dear Reader, and here’s to navigating January’s jams with justifiable jolliness! Speaking of jams, recently I’ve been encouraged by a minority subset of my audience to expand my horizons and explore the purposefully painful pickles that some erotic artisans choose to put themselves in. To that end, I have […]
