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Issue: October 2016

Gorilla Falls Out of Own Enclosure, Forcing Zoo Staff to Shoot Toddler

Posted on: October 6th, 2016

In an extremely controversial turn of events at a midwestern zoo earlier this week, the accidental exit of a four hundred pound silverback from its cage resulted in an untimely death for a small child. Staff were left with no choice but to put the innocent creature down lest it do any harm (intentional or […]

Documents Reveal Ryerson Attempts to Download RAM After Mascot Theft

Posted on: October 6th, 2016

Documents have been obtained regarding the actions of Ryerson engineers after the 2013 seizure of their mascot, the RAM. The documents, consisting of memos, emails, doodles, and scientific papers published by researchers at the “university,” paint a detailed picture of what life was like during the search for RAM. Ryerson’s most qualified computer engineers immediately […]

Academics in Shock as New Paper Proves 1 Like = 1 Prayer

Posted on: October 6th, 2016

The mathematical world has been turned on its head as a new proof that demonstrates that 1 like = 1 prayer was published yesterday in Nature. An emergency conference was called at the Fields Institute in Toronto, Canada. The director of the Institute made his bewilderment clear. “The fallout out from this will shake the […]

9 Out of 10 Health Professionals Agree that 1 out of 10 Health Professionals Disagrees

Posted on: October 6th, 2016

A recent debate on whether the tongue cleaner on the new Colgate 360 actually killed 99% of bacteria ended up in tension when one health professional, Dr. Noah Lotte, claimed that the tongue cleaners were completely useless. He proceeded to explain how his daughter had been using it, but recently had cavities in her teeth. […]

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