Lords, ladies, and all other feudal leaders – now that we’re all stuck behind the computer screen (or maybe we’ve been in the screen this entire time… but that’s a bigger problem for the later lizards), and social media is the only way we’ll ever be able to communicate with other human beings ever again, […]
HEY! YOU! Yeah, you. Come here. Are you fucking kidding me? Oh, you don’t know what I’m talking about? OK, let me just describe a situation and let’s see if it sounds familiar. So, this person, let’s call them ‘Hugh’, has been watching The Walking Dead and the dozens of zombie movies that have been […]
With all the Fake News being spewed out by the media pundolts about the so-called Coronavirus, I thought it would be prudent of me to weigh into the conversation. Now friends, if you’ve read any piece I’ve ever written, or listened to my Podcast Truth Time with Jon Alecks on Player FM, you know that […]
Toike: Hello fellow Toikers! We are here today with an executive from the toilet paper mogul Sharmin Xtr Strong to discuss with us the current situation, that people are now calling the TP Crisis. He has agreed to this interview under strict instructions to remain anonymous due to the sensitivity of the subject. So, my […]
This column features the 3 worst people, places or things (Nouns, for those of you who failed grade four) in Toronto this month, personal bias definitely included. Hoarders – I’m sure we all probably know someone who stocked up on toilet paper this March. I’ll tell you one thing: I sure didn’t. I stopped wiping […]
Salutations to you amid this fine fall day, my dear Reader. I pray for your everlasting safety, both mental and sexual, amid these twisted times. You may notice that my prose has been superciliously updated for this issue of The Toike Oike’s magnanimous October edition. You would be correct, for I have been practicing a […]
February, 2020. You wake up. Pop some bread in the toaster. Think nothing of it. Something in the news about… Corona? You like beer as much as anyone, but the news seems obsessed. You eat your toast. It’s decent. June, 2020. You wake up. Scratch another tally into the drywall. Three months, it’s been. No […]
Why hello, my fellow phobophiles and fear-fans. Well it’s 2020, and everything happening in the world is either terrifying, vaguely apocalyptic, or very apocalyptic. It’s positively delightful! To celebrate the horrific happenings, let’s look back at some of the scariest cinematic achievements of all time – with the added context of our modern world of […]
Richmond, British Columbia The Toike Oike Editor-In-Chief, Parker Johnston, has been afflicted with a mysterious bout of coughing. For weeks now, the West Coast has been afflicted not just by rising cases of COVID-19, but also heavy smoke blown over from the Southwestern coastline, and a literal ton of moths taking over the Vancouver area. […]
