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Issue: September 2014

Playboy Magazine Now Required Reading in Linguistics

Posted on: August 21st, 2014

SIDNEY SMITH HALL – Professor Gregory Wei upset the LIN100 syllabus this semester with the additition of Playboy magazine’s October issue. It is to be introduced in place of a previous example text, Ernest Hemingway’s The Old Man and the Sea, and will be sold in the U of T Book Store for individual analysis. […]

How to Ace Exams

Posted on: August 21st, 2014

Whether you’re a grizzled grad student or a bushy-tailed frosh beaming with false confidence, busting your ass for a perfect record is something to be proud of. For many, the 4.0 GPA is worth sacrificing everything. Luckily, Toike-funded researchers have discovered a technique which will allow students to shirk all responsibility and still snatch ultimate […]

Youth Baseball League to Start Drug-Testing

Posted on: August 21st, 2014

MILTON – The peewee baseball team “The Mavericks” performed slightly better than usual this year. Could this have been the result of good coaching, more effective workouts, or better players? Not according to the league’s commissioner, Gordon Chang. After an thorough and controversial investigation within the league, accusations of illegal drug use among the pre-teen […]

How U of T Helped Me Find Myself

Posted on: August 21st, 2014

REDACTED – When I first came to UofT, I brought a lot of questions with me. What were my passions in life? Who was I meant to be? Where was I heading? Who was Katya, and why did she keep texting me GPS coordinates from numbers that were always traced back to disposable cellphones? And of […]

Screaming Baby Did Not Enjoy 14A Movie

Posted on: August 21st, 2014

Moviegoers at the Yonge Street Cineplex last Sunday were surprised when a baby loudly announced its dissatisfaction with the recently released Sin City: A Dame to Kill For. Tristan Isaac Stevenson, 7 months old, reportedly launched into an incoherent babble which became a tirade of screams, lasting for the entire length of the movie. Critics […]

Mayor Rob Ford Says “Sorry” Again

Posted on: August 21st, 2014

TORONTO – At a press conference today, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford said “sorry” again after admitting to having caused the Bhopal chemical disaster in 1984, the crash of Swiss Air flight 111, and both the Chernobyl and Three Mile Island nuclear accidents. He also admitted to funding North Korea’s military programme and driving the snakes back […]

Harper to Replace Foreign Aid with Likes and Prayers

Posted on: August 21st, 2014

In a move that has rocked the political world, Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced Friday that the federal budget will no longer include foreign aid initiatives. Instead, the Conservative Party’s “Economic Action Plan” will launch a new social media campaign to lend intangible support through Facebook “likes”, shares, and comments. The campaign, dubbed “Click-Aid”, was […]

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