WASHINGTON, DC – After a botched COVID response that has involved discouraging mask use, flouting social distancing guidelines at campaign events, calling for slower testing, publicly disparaging Dr. Fauci to the point where he started receiving death threats, turning the White House into a disease hotspot with more cases than some countries, and of course the deaths of hundreds of thousands of Americans, Donald Trump has secured an endorsement for re-election from the unlikeliest of sources. 

Noor Bin Laden, niece of notorious terrorist and corpse-in-the-ocean Osama Bin Laden, has publicly endorsed Donald Trump for President of the United States. “My uncle masterminded the September 11th terrorist attacks that killed almost 3000 people, so I think I know something about imminent threats to America and Americans,” said Bin Laden. “But never in his wildest dreams did he think a single person could single-handedly cause so much death, let alone without facing any consequences for it.” 

“A part of me is a little mad with President Trump for upstaging my uncle in this way. I mean, my uncle made Trump Tower the tallest building in New York City, and this is how Trump repays him? But, in this all-important election, you need to pick the candidate that gets the job done. And Trump has killed thousands more Americans in just a few years in office than Biden did in decades in office.” 

Hillary Clinton could not be reached for a response to Bin Laden’s endorsement of Trump over Biden as she was held up in another 12-hour Benghazi hearing.