It’s official, India might be facing its biggest crisis since the colonization. The country has claimed to have run out of onions. Yesterday in an official government statement, the Prime Minister, Parendra Podi, delivered the terrible news with onionless tears in his eyes.
The rumours started last week when people began to notice the absence of the staple ingredient in their stores. As more people caught wind of the situation, it started trending on social media with the hashtag #wheresthekanda (google translate has revealed to us that maybe kanda is the Hindi word for onion). Soon, there was widespread panic across the subcontinent. The public took to the streets in protest. They refused to have sub-par food, which according to them, is the only thing food can be without onions. People say they have never seen the country so united. Individuals from all walks of life are speaking up about their struggles without onions. Many spoke of their withdrawal issues. Although the government is working day and night to solve this problem, they are finding it incredibly challenging to find a way to obtain enough onions to satisfy the country.
In a rather unprecedented moment, Rahul Pandhi said in an interview that the country is not actually out of onions. As there was no source to this claim, and considering his history in politics, he was dismissed.
As of today, our sources say that for once in his life, Rahul was right. The country isn’t really out of onions. The entire country has just been hypnotized to believe so. In a stroke of genius, the Western world, who had always been jealous of Indian food, has managed to infiltrate the cuisine and strike it at its core. There was a set up of sleeper cells throughout the country that were instructed to observe and report intel on the food. Once the weakness was identified, it was just a matter of time. After slowly depleting India’s stocks, they used Indian soap operas as a medium to hypnotize the majority of the public and then, it was just a matter of time.
Currently, sympathetic countries are trying as much as they can to help and convince the government to, hopefully, set up relief stations to better the situation.