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President of the United States Does Presidential Things

Speaking at a political town hall in northern Virginia yesterday, the incumbent President of the United States thoroughly and painstakingly laid out his administration’s comprehensive plan for accomplishing the remainder of the goals promised during his campaign. Speaking in what audience members described as a calm and collected manner, the President began by explaining his thorough debt-reduction and economic stimulus plan, followed by his evidence-based approach to preserving the environment, and ended by describing his dreams of global peace and stability.


Noting that such facets of government such as fiscal policy should only be handled by the utmost experts, the President assured the audience that the upcoming budget was carefully written by a team of policy professionals with the intent of preserving economic dependability and growth for ordinary Americans. Cooperation and involvement with long-standing economic allies of the United States was framed as being of paramount importance, as globalisation means that there are less “winners and losers” and more “partners” on the international stage.


Responding to criticisms leveled at his administration from opposition members in the House of Representatives, the President responded in what pundits call a mature manner, calling for bipartisan harmony and level-headed debate between the parties. He remarked that divisive politics and juvenile name-calling would accomplish nothing for the people of America.


The speech came a week after the President returned from a summit in Helsinki, Finland, where he met with the President of the Russian Federation to discuss the balance of power in the 21st century. Seeking reconciliation with the former superpower, the President made diplomatic overtures to Russia, while still making sure to rebuke their government for meddling in the politics of other nations. The particular focus the President had on the sovereignty of the United States in the face of foreign involvement was notable.


The seeming composure and tranquility of the President has become conspicuous, especially on growing corners of the internet where adherents of fringe-politics congregate. Such extremist typically disparagingly compare the President to fictional figures such as Ned Flanders of the Simpsons, correlating his imperturbability to inaction.


“He reminds me a lot of Mr. Rogers actually,” countered the White House Press Secretary at today’s briefing. “He’s pretty soft-spoken and all, but really the Presidency of the United States should be an office of reserved dignity. I know a lot of ordinary Americans would like a bit more excitement in their Commander-in-Chief, but believe me — as a former marine I’ve seen some real crazy egomaniacs ruling oppressed shitholes out there. Tyrants are always exciting at first, but it’s really the everyday folks at the bottom who foot the bill for all that drama.”


The White House later released a press statement apologising for the use of the word “shithole” during the briefing, noting that America should always do it’s uttermost to assist the developing world.