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Issue: September 2018

Ford Collects 76 Infinity Ridings, Makes Half Your Social Services Disappear

Posted on: September 6th, 2018

The most ambitious election event in Ontario history is over, and despite the assembled powers of a quirky team of unlikely allies, Doug Ford has succeeded in capturing 176 Infinity Ridings, giving him unlimited power over life, reality, and existence in Ontario.   Although long projected to form government, the magnitude of the majority captured […]

Dummies for Dummies – A Guide to Being a Dummy

Posted on: September 2nd, 2018

Are you a complete idiot who has dreams of becoming a perfectly still clothing model? Do you have a desire to be made almost entirely of plastic? We can only help you with the first, as humanity has not yet found a way to replace our weak, pathetic flesh-organs with undying plastic ones! Read on, […]

5 Completely Safe and Natural Ways to Purge the Purple: A Guide for Newbie Frosh

Posted on: September 2nd, 2018

So, you’ve decided to attend your first U of T Engineering Frosh Week, and we all know what that comes with. Why, I remember my own Frosh week like it was yesterday: the hardhats, the shouting competitions, the unending summer heat, observing and appreciating all sorts of brass sculptures, more shouting over each other, and, […]

“Why Can’t You Throw A Football Like Your Older, More Handsome Brother?”

Posted on: September 2nd, 2018

Hey champ, your mom said you’d be up here. How’re you holding up? Eyes a little red… You been cryin’ up here, boy? Ah, it’s alright. I’d be crying too if I played as badly as you today… Sorry, sorry…  I know that the past couple of games have been a little rough, but that’s […]

How to Write a Toike Article for Dummies

Posted on: September 2nd, 2018

Hello, dear reader! Are you, beloved reader, reading all of these articles and wondering, “hey, how did all of these [professional comedians]/[humourless imbeciles] write all of [these wonderful articles]/[this atrocious filth and still get funding for a newspaper]?” Wonder no more, cherished reader, because, precious reader, this is the definitive guide to writing Toike articles. […]

Virgin Sex Columnist: Learning from James Bond

Posted on: September 2nd, 2018

Wazzupp, Skule™? I’ve been hearing from a lot of people lately who’ve been criticizing my ability to write a Sex Advice column and accusing me of ignorance on the matters of pleasing a partner just because I’m a so-called “virgin.” Don’t worry, dear reader, as I won’t allow this disgraceful discrimination against an oppressed minority […]

1/32 Spanish Man Suddenly Patriotic for World Cup

Posted on: September 2nd, 2018

REAL SPORTS BAR & GRILL, TORONTO – The FIFA World Cup is the world’s largest sporting event, drawing individuals from every corner of  the globe to a recently impoverished region of a developed country. For many of us, it’s a time to embrace our ethnicities or celebrate our nationalities regardless of our love for fútbol. […]

Penis Enlargement for Dummies

Posted on: September 2nd, 2018

Men, we all know the old saying: it’s not the motion of the ocean, but the size of the boat that counts. Regrettably, not all of us were born with the gift of a large penis, leaving us feeling deeply insecure about whether or not we can please the women or men we love or […]

ArtSci Infiltrates Toike, Writes Article

Posted on: September 2nd, 2018

STORAGE CABINET, ENGCOM – If you’re reading this, I’m already gone. They found me – they got me. I have been subsumed into the giant, inebriated mass that is engineering subculture. Tell my mother I love her, and tell my father when he gets back from the gas station that it shouldn’t take seven years […]

Norm and Gord Discuss Trees

Posted on: September 2nd, 2018

This monthly column features a titillating discussion between brothers Norman and Gordon McLuhan from Moose Jaw. This month’s column is sponsored by Parks Canada. Parks Canada – pet our bears, just don’t feed the geese.   Norm: Hi, I’m Norm McLuhan, and this is my brother, Gord – Gord: Hey there. Norm: – and today […]

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