The most ambitious election event in Ontario history is over, and despite the assembled powers of a quirky team of unlikely allies, Doug Ford has succeeded in capturing 176 Infinity Ridings, giving him unlimited power over life, reality, and existence in Ontario. Although long projected to form government, the magnitude of the majority captured […]
Are you a complete idiot who has dreams of becoming a perfectly still clothing model? Do you have a desire to be made almost entirely of plastic? We can only help you with the first, as humanity has not yet found a way to replace our weak, pathetic flesh-organs with undying plastic ones! Read on, […]
So, you’ve decided to attend your first U of T Engineering Frosh Week, and we all know what that comes with. Why, I remember my own Frosh week like it was yesterday: the hardhats, the shouting competitions, the unending summer heat, observing and appreciating all sorts of brass sculptures, more shouting over each other, and, […]
Hey champ, your mom said you’d be up here. How’re you holding up? Eyes a little red… You been cryin’ up here, boy? Ah, it’s alright. I’d be crying too if I played as badly as you today… Sorry, sorry… I know that the past couple of games have been a little rough, but that’s […]
Hello, dear reader! Are you, beloved reader, reading all of these articles and wondering, “hey, how did all of these [professional comedians]/[humourless imbeciles] write all of [these wonderful articles]/[this atrocious filth and still get funding for a newspaper]?” Wonder no more, cherished reader, because, precious reader, this is the definitive guide to writing Toike articles. […]
Wazzupp, Skule™? I’ve been hearing from a lot of people lately who’ve been criticizing my ability to write a Sex Advice column and accusing me of ignorance on the matters of pleasing a partner just because I’m a so-called “virgin.” Don’t worry, dear reader, as I won’t allow this disgraceful discrimination against an oppressed minority […]
REAL SPORTS BAR & GRILL, TORONTO – The FIFA World Cup is the world’s largest sporting event, drawing individuals from every corner of the globe to a recently impoverished region of a developed country. For many of us, it’s a time to embrace our ethnicities or celebrate our nationalities regardless of our love for fútbol. […]
Men, we all know the old saying: it’s not the motion of the ocean, but the size of the boat that counts. Regrettably, not all of us were born with the gift of a large penis, leaving us feeling deeply insecure about whether or not we can please the women or men we love or […]
STORAGE CABINET, ENGCOM – If you’re reading this, I’m already gone. They found me – they got me. I have been subsumed into the giant, inebriated mass that is engineering subculture. Tell my mother I love her, and tell my father when he gets back from the gas station that it shouldn’t take seven years […]
This monthly column features a titillating discussion between brothers Norman and Gordon McLuhan from Moose Jaw. This month’s column is sponsored by Parks Canada. Parks Canada – pet our bears, just don’t feed the geese. Norm: Hi, I’m Norm McLuhan, and this is my brother, Gord – Gord: Hey there. Norm: – and today […]
