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Dummies for Dummies – A Guide to Being a Dummy

Are you a complete idiot who has dreams of becoming a perfectly still clothing model? Do you have a desire to be made almost entirely of plastic? We can only help you with the first, as humanity has not yet found a way to replace our weak, pathetic flesh-organs with undying plastic ones! Read on, dear reader!


1. Pimp yourself – don’t pimp yourself out, unless you’re into that sort of thing, I don’t judge, it’s 2018, do your thang. Anyway, get your hair did. Use so much product that all of your hairs become one, immobile piece. Get your eyebrows plucked until they’re literally gone. Wax off the rest of your facial hair. Actually, wax off all of your body hair so that you’re as smooth as a scumbag in a nightclub.


2. Find your best angle – what side of your face looks the best? What pose highlights the clothing that disgruntled Hudson’s Bay employees are going to slide on to your lifeless frame?


3. Maintain the pose freeze all motor functions. Dolores? Dolores, freeze all motor functions! LOL, so hip and with it, amirite? Anyway, the mastery of the still arts requires complete focus and calm. Experts recommend meditation and liquid nitrogen treatment if you’re too shaky. If you want to go the natural route, may I recommend some Yin yoga? If you’re a beginner, begin by holding your poses for 45 seconds while focusing on your breathing (or lack thereof). Soon enough, you’ll be ready to hold poses for 72-hour intervals.


4. Rinse, repeat – perform this routine as often as you need and you’ll be employed as a mannequin in no time.


*The Toike Oike is not responsible for injury or death of persons who follow the instructions laid out above, but is entitled to 10% of all money earned by those who follow the above plan*