So, you’ve decided to attend your first U of T Engineering Frosh Week, and we all know what that comes with. Why, I remember my own Frosh week like it was yesterday: the hardhats, the shouting competitions, the unending summer heat, observing and appreciating all sorts of brass sculptures, more shouting over each other, and, of course, the purple dye.
You might have heard the usual advice on how to prepare beforehand for your new alien skin color that you’ll inevitably wear for two weeks- cover your bed with trash bags, paint your toenails, etc. etc. However, beyond physically peeling your skin off, you may have no idea how to properly remove the purple before staining all of your possessions the age-old color of royalty. Not to worry, young Frosh–the Toike Oike is here to save the day (as well as your white shirts)! Here are five ways to safely and naturally change your skin from being purple.
1. Roll in poison ivy. The constant scratching will eventually get rid of the deep staining, as well as provide your skin with a lovely bright-red hue. Your friends will love it as well. Believe me, they’ll be filled with gratitude once they stop strangling you for secretly spreading it under their sheets last night.
2. Cleanse your colon. Dyes are basically toxins, right? Which means when your skin absorbs it, you’ll be absorbing all the purple, right? In that case, you’ll need to flush all that dye out of your system. I recommend doing it with a friend- it’ll be a great bonding experience, and now you have backup to help you with being backed up. (And if it doesn’t work–hey, we’re engineers, not doctors. At least your colon will be sparkling clean.)
3. Watch a horror movie. Let’s face it, this purple stuff goes deep. Skin-deep. Therefore, what you really need is a whole new skin. So go watch “The Shining” alone at 1:00 AM, and by the time you reach the scene with the twins, you’ll have jumped so hard your skin will literally be sitting on the ground next to you.
4. Engage in consensual sexual intercourse. And I mean hardcore, hot and heavy, KamaSutra style bangin’. You’ll need all the sweat you can get to remove the purple. Okay, obviously this solution won’t work for the majority of engineers if you’re as unlucky in love as I am. However, just in case you happen to get lucky during Frosh week, make sure you go to their place, not yours. Amid all the sweat, you’ll probably be able to transfer half the purple onto the couch and the other half onto your partner. Just make sure you’re not both purple, otherwise you’ll both end up looking like monochromatic Jackson Pollocks
5. Jump in a vat of blue dye. If somehow none of the previous solutions worked, then this is the only remaining option. Admittedly you’ll still look like an alien, but at least now you’ll find common kin by joining the Blue Man Group and getting a job to boot! Besides, who doesn’t love an excuse to sing “Blue (Da Ba Dee)” all day?…for two weeks straight until you look normal again.
