THAT SKETCHY BURGER KING ON THE CORNER OF COLLEGE & SPADINA, TORONTO – Taking a friend’s advice to “stop being sad,” local resident Elijah Mohe has been miraculous cured of his crippling depression. The recent graduate of the University of Toronto has fallen on hard times after discovering five years of education has rendered him jobless and purposeless.
“I’m […] happy just because I smiled once,” E. Mohe claimed in an exclusive interview with the Toike Oike. “Just because I laughed at that car salesman meme [… means] I’m not suffering! Depression isn’t [not] curable by some asshole telling you to smile.” E. Mohe then berated staff from the Toike Oike, claiming that the publication was reporting fake news.
E. Mohe’s friend and depression-curer Shirley Jolly has responded humbly to her groundbreaking discovery, claiming it’s “not a big deal.” S. Jolly further explained, “we all get sad sometimes. You know, it’s like when you realize George Lucas is incompetent and will continue to ruin the franchises you love. Or when your hairdresser starts working at that farther, harder-to-drive-to salon. Sure, it’s sad alright, but you just have to suck it up and smile.”
Until today, scientists were daunted by the task of curing depression, a serious mental illness involving complex brain chemistry. “I ain’t never seen nothin’ like it,” commented G. Mertler, a researcher at the University of Toronto. “Depression ain’t a triflin’ thing, if you catch my meaning, so we hadn’t a clue how ta’ cure it. We figured if we kept throwin’ together chemicals an’ whatnot into pills or forcin’ folks into a mandatory leave o’ absence we’d figure somthin’ out… eventually….”
In response to this remarkable breakthrough, researchers are now conducting tests to cure insomnia, a sleep disorder. Preliminary results reveal that instructing insomniacs to “get some rest” has 263% more success than traditional treatments at curing the disorder.