Lords, ladies, and all other feudal leaders – now that we’re all stuck behind the computer screen (or maybe we’ve been in the screen this entire time… but that’s a bigger problem for the later lizards), and social media is the only way we’ll ever be able to communicate with other human beings ever again, you have to be much more ~aware~ of those lagging internet points! This write-up right here is the reality check you’ve been waiting for – beware of racism! Many of you are probably knee-deep in controversy right this minute, and I’m here to solve your problems with: Top 4 Social Media Musts to Show your Followers You are NOT (emphasis on NOT) A Racist. Take notes.

The first and most essential step to this journey of anti-racism is, of course, the famous #BlackoutTuesday square. Contrary to popular belief, being anti-racist doesn’t require much energy. Take it from me, racism can end right here and right now. What do you need to do? Post a black square on Blackout Tuesday! And literally nothing else. Just absolutely nothing else – not even petitions or anything. With only two minutes of your day wasted – er, well spent on fighting racism, you can watch the likes roll in. If you don’t believe me, just look at the great example set by some of the most famous BLM allies; Kylie Jenner HERSELF took a break from earning $3,243,423,432 a minute to post this square, and single-handedly destroyed white supremacy! It’s amazing what a rich, white, woman can do for Black people – and she barely even flinched!

Now, this next step might be a little time consuming, but your racial ally points will drive straight through the roof! Have a photoshoot… at a protest! Get a professional photographer or take some pictures with your own iphone (Android users not permitted). Most importantly, you must strike two poses: One with your fist in the air (make sure it’s your left fist – wouldn’t want to seem out of place now, would you?), and one with a thumbs down to represent your deep hatred for the patriarchy and systemic racism. Maybe even take a picture with one of the police officers just when they are just about to strike the peaceful protesters – who needs peace when you can have a corrupt and inequitable government! Really pose for that action photo – make James Bond jealous. With this picture at the front of your post you’ll be the next big ally sensation. Then you can leave! No commitment whatsoever, we wouldn’t you to actually have to go through the effort of actually protesting! Go back to ignoring your privilege and let the world’s problems solve themselves (like all politicians do)! 

Third, but definitely not least, the way to the heart of the non-racists is through celebrity examples! Trust me, if it’s in the rules of the status quo, you can’t go wrong. Thus, your next step should be to support a Youtuber or a Tiktoker who has recently been blamed for a racial controversy! There’s nothing like showing your support for people who claim they have changed and promise to never say the n-word again (for the fifth time) – that will really let all Black people know you’re on their side! Bonus points if you yourself aren’t Black and take it upon yourself to excuse this person of their actions! 

Now with the coins from your unprecedented amount of likes, you can really send it home with this final blow. To achieve ultimate anti-racism, you must understand this deep and philosophical idea: what do all humans have in common? Not our humanity or the fact that we’re all “one colour” on the inside – the real answer? *Mr. Krabs voice* Money! Now young padawan, with this ancient and sacred knowledge, go buy some merch! No, not any merch that comes directly from Black-run organizations or any resources that could educate you – we don’t want you to strain yourself from all this social activism, just go buy a shirt funded by a capitalist organization that couldn’t give less of a shit about human rights. Besides, being woke is so 500 years ago when colonizers hadn’t invented the concept of race and superiority, and exploited that endlessly… but that’s a problem for another set of human beings! All you need is a pop socket, maybe with the words “I can’t breathe” to show how fully in-tune and ready you are to hop on every anti-racism trend! Post a picture or two on your story, and you’ll have attained the ultimate spiritual state: Non-racist! 

Now, go forth and be free young grasshoppers. With this wise and new-found wisdom, you’ll be able to attack even the darkest corners of this flat earth and rid the world of any and all racists!