Have you been together with your significant other for a while, but still haven’t had sex yet? Are your advances met with “I just need more time,” or something to that effect? Well, just remember: Time is money. That’s right, you can help your partner find all the time they need just by paying them!

Finding the correct amount can be tough. Not only do you want to avoid overpaying, but offering too much might seem desperate and it can apparently be a turn-off for some people.

Let’s start with “Someone that you are already sleeping with”. The kind of person you can say “A penny for your thoughts,” and they won’t even expect you to give them an actual penny. Considering the axiom “mind over matter”, thoughts must be inherently more valuable than one’s body. Although pennies no longer exist, a nickel should suffice for at least six consecutive sexual acts, possibly more if your partner is in a good nude, ahem, mood.

Next is that person in class who you asked to hang out with once and they brushed you off as “maybe later”. You’ve now resigned to giving embarrassed half-waves whenever you see them in the hopes that they’ll suddenly decide to ask you out. This one’s tricky because it depends on the individual. If they’re interested in research, you could make a posting looking for paid participants in a “handson” study, in which case you can probably get away with a couple of hundred dollars. Otherwise the safe bet is to offer to pay for their tuition for a year, which I have yet to see fail.

Lastly, we have the elusive “10/10”: that person you switch lecture sections just to have a glimpse of every now and then. The person who wouldn’t get with you “in a million years”. It’s here where we can apply the law of large numbers, where the amount of years in which they wouldn’t get with you is directly proportional to the amount of money that you have to give them. So “not in a million years” would translate to $1 million, which should be enough to convince them as well as rid them of any pre-existing significant others.

I hope that you found this advice illuminating, and it should make things a lot less awkward for engaging in future sexual activity moving forward.