UNDER THE BED – I cannot stress enough how bad an idea it is to live with a randomly selected roommate. If you played Russian roulette with a double-barreled shotgun and then went to sleep in a locked room with a total stranger, the shotgun would still be the safest thing you faced that day.

Unfortunately, if you live in residence, chances are you’ve already made this mistake. Fortunately, you’ve gotten the biggest mistake of your entire life out of the way early. All that matters at this point is learning the warning signs and making it through the year. It might be a good idea to let a family member or loved one know of your whereabouts. They can make sure you make it through the year, or at least that you get a proper burial.

If your roommate stays up all night and sleeps all day, chances are he’s fucking watching you while you fucking sleep. There’s no reason to be afraid. Just don’t be surprised when you wake up to him breathing heavily and sharpening his hunting knife in the pale light of the moon while staring at you.

And here’s another thing: when you go to class, your roommate is at home. When you get back, your roommate is at home. There’s no getting around it: your roommate is probably observing your habits and patterns in order to more effectively kill you and wear your skin. It sucks, but don’t panic; panic makes your skin looser and easier to wear.

Of course there are other warning signs, like if your roommate frequently prays to Satan or plays League of Legends. Pay attention to these signs and sleep with a handgun if at all possible. Good luck out there. You’re going to need it.