It was a comfortable 20 degrees Celsius in Las Vegas when my flight landed. By the time my cab pulled into the front driveway at the Venetian, that number had gone up to a balmy 28. Despite the heat, my whole body shivered, goosebumps covering every inch of my arms. After weeks of waiting for approval to spend 250% of the Toike’s annual budget on a trip to the new “Shark Tank” studio, I was finally there.

As I approached the massive, impractically large doors of the studio, I couldn’t help but notice a distinct smell in the air. Or rather, an absence of an aroma I was certain I would have been able to smell this close to the Tank. ‘Surely, they would have done their best to replicate the oceanic conditions these majestic creatures need to survive,’ I thought to myself.

As the doors finally creaked open, my excitement quickly evaporated, leaving behind only a pit in my heart deeper than Marianas Trench. Before me sat five completely dry meat-bags rather than the tank full of nature’s most perfect creations I had traveled over 3000km to see.

Each one’s skin was wrinkled and tan rather than smooth and grey. Their bodies poorly designed with long, unnecessary appendages – some with their own sub-appendages – rather than sleek and streamlined. And their eyes. Oh my goodness, those horrible eyes. They were completely black and lifeless, as though there was no soul behind them.

After the initial shock and disappointment, I was able to regain my composure and explain to the shark imposters the article I was writing and the mistake I had made. I apologized for wasting their time and turned to leave when the not-a-shark who called himself Robert Herjavec said that he liked the sound of the Toike and wanted to give me $600,000 for a 51% stake in the company. I quickly accepted the deal and shook the shark-charlatan’s unfortunately unclammy not-a-fin before leaving.

As I exited the studio, I resolved to put off returning home and try my luck once again by going to “The Shark Tank” in San Jose. After all, San Jose was famous for its zoo and the Toike suddenly had the budget for the extra trip thanks to the generosity of the extremely successful Herjavec Group (#notsponsored).

…

Never mind, it’s just an ice rink where angry Canadians go to hit each other with wooden sticks while wearing knife-shoes.