British scientists have revealed a revolutionary technique for determining one’s age with extreme precision. This method – KinetiSkin – uses a popular technique from dendrochronology, and works by counting the growth rings underneath a person’s skin. The founder and CEO of KinetiSkin Inc says that “KinetiSkin will measure your age accurately, no matter how old you are,” and intends to prove it by measur- ing the age of the Queen.

Although KinetiSkin Inc. claims the perfection of this technol- ogy, it would be foolish to think it doesn’t come with a few drawbacks. With the existing technology, the only way of seeing the growth rings under the skin is by cutting a section off what KinetiSkin researchers refer to as “the trunk”.

Another concern is that sagginess may cause higher margins of error, preventing the claimed “perfect accuracy”. However, this shouldn’t be much of a concern since the only goal of the experiment is finding the order of magnitude of the Queen’s age. A senior scientist from KinetiSkin says that “the age is determined by counting subcutaneous layers of dead skin. Normally, they can go up to 3 or 4 milimetres, but with the Queen it is assumed that these layers will go at least 2cm, applying extra pressure on the veins and decreasing the blood flow. This explains why her skin is pale all the time.”

A representative from the UK Space Agency revealed that “mankind knows more about the Moon’s crust than the Queen’s crust. Revealing her growth rings will tell us a lot about the Big Bang, the creation of the Solar System and why the dinosaurs went extinct.”

Despite the current buzz, KinetiSkin still has its flaws. Suggestions from the media that birth certificates perhaps present a less invasive alternative to cutting people apart were dismissed as unscientific.