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Issue: September 2015

Toike Receives Backlash for Offensive Dinosaur Humour

Posted on: September 19th, 2015

Critics Say Recent Extinction Joke Came “Too Soon”

The Cannon Looking Forward to Acquisition by Buzzfeed

Posted on: September 19th, 2015

The Cannon, Skule’s serious newspaper, has recently made several strategic changes to increase its similarity to BuzzFeed in hopes of a lucrative acquisition. Over the past few months, content has been aggregated from community contributors who produce quality lists and clickbait titles relevant to the engineering community. An anonymous senior writer for The Cannon expressed […]

Mounting Environmentalist Concerns Permanently Solved by Photoshop

Posted on: September 19th, 2015

A press release from the US Environmental Protection Agency earlier this week confirmed that all of the 21st century’s most frightening environmental crises have been solved through the use of Photoshop. Graphical artists from various media firms were contracted to help quell the mounting ecological and atmospheric threats of today by doing what they do […]

New Dinosaur Discovered: Thesaurus

Posted on: September 19th, 2015

Already Irritating Scientists with Obscure Synonyms

British Monarch’s Age to be Determined by Rings

Posted on: September 19th, 2015

British scientists have revealed a revolutionary technique for determining one’s age with extreme precision. This method – KinetiSkin – uses a popular technique from dendrochronology, and works by counting the growth rings underneath a person’s skin. The founder and CEO of KinetiSkin Inc says that “KinetiSkin will measure your age accurately, no matter how old […]

U of T Researchers Confirm Bros do Not Actually Precede Hos

Posted on: September 19th, 2015

A team of sociology researchers at the University of Toronto has recently published the findings of their extensive international study, asserting that, contrary to popular belief, “bros” do not in fact take prece- dence over “hos”. Dr. Chad Hardman, the project’s lead researcher, admitted that their results were rather startling. “Yeah, man. You know, starting […]

Brontosaur Determined to be the Most Bro Dinosaur of All Time

Posted on: September 19th, 2015

An amazing discovery earlier this month in Gainesville, FL has led to one of the most enlightening conclusions in contemporary paleontology. A Brontosaurus was found covering an Allosaur just before dying, as if he was trying to save poor therapod’s life. The abundance of ash and solidified magma at the dig site suggests that these […]

Archaeologists Discover Last Time UTSU was Relevant

Posted on: September 19th, 2015

Unprecedented Evidence Leaves University Confused as Hell

Local Redditor Finds Literal Gem

Posted on: September 19th, 2015

Veteran Reddit user dankfedora69 couldn’t believe his eyes while walking up Yonge St. early Tuesday morning on his daily 7-Eleven Mountain Dew run. Seeing a glint of sunlight from a small object next to his feet, Mr. dankfedora69 knelt down and found a literal gem: a large, high-carat, perfectly circular piece of the extremely rare […]

ROM Janitor’s Goose Cooked for Alleged Dinosaur Egg Poaching

Posted on: September 8th, 2015

Attempt to Make “Huge-Ass Omelett” Results in Arrest

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