Called “one of the most exciting, electrifying, thrilling, captivating, exhilarating discoveries in paleontology” by Merriam-Webster, scientists are proud to announce a new member of the Jurassic family – the Thesaurus. Remarkably, the Thesaurus is still existent today. This incredible organism promises to push the limits of evolutionary history as well as the English language.

After discovering the remnants of this creature in the over-articulated essays of particularly verbose English majors, scientists are hard at work uncovering the secrets of the Thesau- rus. It is loosely speculated that the Thesaurus evolved from an underlying need for frat boys to sound more impressive around women. It slowly transformed into a global network of both helpful and obtuse synonyms for any word imaginable.

Interestingly, the Thesaurus is one of the longest living dinosaurs. Its long life is accredited to its multifarious verbiage and extensive rhetoric. Scientists say it is hard to tell if the Thesaurus will become extinct or wiped out or vanished or terminated or departed or abolished.

Unfortunately, research has stalled as scientists look for another name for the Thesaurus. No Thesauruses were harmed (though this reporter will not say they were not used) in the making of this article.