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The Cannon Looking Forward to Acquisition by Buzzfeed

The Cannon, Skule’s serious newspaper, has recently made several strategic changes to increase its similarity to BuzzFeed in hopes of a lucrative acquisition. Over the past few months, content has been aggregated from community contributors who produce quality lists and clickbait titles relevant to the engineering community.

An anonymous senior writer for The Cannon expressed her view of the changes. “It’s a sensational blog, I mean, newspaper. I like how we’re expanding ourselves to pander to the increasingly short attention spans of our readers. We’re poised to be snapped up by BuzzFeed anytime now!” Future changes that will roll out soon include full emoji compatibility, GIF support in print, and smart links to related content.

As a show of support, the Toike Oike has put together a list of article suggestions for The Cannon that will totally change the way people see things at Skule (we couldn’t even believe number 7):

  1. 23 Signs Your Prof is Out to Get You
  1. 17 Courses Engineers Totally Need to Take (Actually, though)
  1. 4 Ways to MacGyver Alternative Vision Using a Rusty Nail
  1. 12 Ways to Make Your Discipline Common Room Even More Dank
  1. 10 Signs You Have 9 Toes
  1. 7 Surprisingly Effective Ways to Get Away with Masturbating in Lectures
  1. 9 Obscure Places You Need to Try Sleeping Before You Graduate
  1. 6 Numbers You’ll Definitely Need to Know (Number 5 is Unreal)
  1. 3 Pages You Still Haven’t Attempted on Your Midterm
  1. 2.0 Reasons You Need to Improve Your GPA
  1. 69 Sex Positions You Can do in the Pit Without Touching the Floor
  1. 8 Reasons to Rename The Cannon “The Cannonfodder”