Police investigators have just cracked the case of stolen dinosaur eggs at the Royal On- tario Museum, after months of scrambling for leads.
According to evidence put together by Inspector Humphrey Dumpty, a hard-boiled private detective, a night janitor allegedly destroyed $3 million worth of fossilized dinosaur eggs for a midnight snack. The suspect, Shelley Crichton, upon being taken into custody, described the crime as an ambitious attempt at making “a fucking huge-ass omelette”.
She continued, “I dunno, dude. I was patrolling the left corner of the early Hellenic coin collection when I got the munchies. The nearest food I could think of was in the Egyptian wing, but mummified cat is always so dry. So I walked another hall over and found some dino eggs to cook up. It turned out okay, apart from being a pile of rocks. A bit bland, as well.”
Some activists from PETA’s Reptile Division are pushing for conviction and jail time for Ms. Crichton, picketing with signs reading “EXTINCT ANIMALS ARE PEOPLE TOO!!”. “We can’t let her get off over easy, especially considering her previous offenses,” says Egbert Benedict, a PETARD spokesperson. “She’s also devilled a Fabergé egg. That’s a pretty eggregious offense, given the rarity of Faberge hens.” It is likely that Ms. Crichton will find herself yoked with a heavy sentence once her case comes to trial.