Toronto – Responding to a bevy of mauling complaints, a UTSU spokesperson has confirmed that a live grizzly bear was released somewhere in the vicinity of Front Campus earlier this week.
“Yeah, that was us,” VP Fauna Cole L. Baird said in a prepared statement to the Toike. “Last month we all put our heads together to figure out how to improve student morale as everyone’s schedules become more hectic and the days get shorter. Releasing a fully grown mama grizzly bear onto our vibrant campus was easily the best idea we came up with. We think she’ll end up being a great addition to the community.”
When pressed about safety concerns, he admitted that the move might be controversial. “We had to consider multiple angles when we released this confused, belligerent apex predator onto the streets of Toronto. Yes, if feeling threatened, she will likely attack the closest available student and rip them to shreds. Yes, in this unfamiliar environment, she will be feeling constantly threatened. Yes, grizzly bears can smell your fear. And yes, they’re capable of causing devastating injuries with ease. But that’s not a problem. We swear.”
“Frankly, a lot of you people could really use some more exercise, especially during times of stress,” commented Dr. Theodore Berenstein of the UHN. “And nothing gets your heart-rate up like being chased by a territorial Ursus Arctos. You should be thankful, you ingrates.” And despite the public’s unbearable concern, the release of the animal has been received with overwhelming praise from the remaining student body.
“I get that death now awaits me around every corner, and that I probably need to stop eating so much salmon,” conceded second year EngSci Noel Lieph. “But at least the UTSU is finally making some noticeable changes around here. I was beginning to think that my student fees were being wasted.”
