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1/32 Spanish Man Suddenly Patriotic for World Cup

REAL SPORTS BAR & GRILL, TORONTO – The FIFA World Cup is the world’s largest sporting event, drawing individuals from every corner of  the globe to a recently impoverished region of a developed country. For many of us, it’s a time to embrace our ethnicities or celebrate our nationalities regardless of our love for fútbol.


Gareth Anthony Armstrong, a thirty-something year-old worker at the Eaton Centre Genius Bar, doesn’t follow soccer regularly, but he always supports the land of his ancestors whenever the quadrennial competition rolls around. Sporting a “Morata 7”  Spain jersey, the slightly rotund tech expert greeted me with a kiss on either cheek and a hearty “hola, my amigo, como se dice ‘excited?Did you know that Spanish is the dos most spoken language in the world?”


I ordered myself a glass of water, while Armstrong settled on a cup of black coffee after the server told him that they did not serve churros, nor did they have any “doolce de lesh” for him to dip his non-existent churros in.


“Yeah, growing up, my mom always insisted that she was 1/16 español despite the fact that her entire family hails from Armstrong Village in Nova Scotia, where everyone is, well… they’re all… inglés. Dad’s from the same village too, but I think he’s 1/16 Chero-”


A loud roar erupted in the bar as Russia defeated Spain on penalties, sending Armstrong into a mild furor.


He-joe di putas, get it together guys. The guy missed the goal with the ball and now we’re out of the sports contest,” screamed a bloated Armstrong, half-heartedly. “Did you know that the Kingdom of Spain is the largest country by area on the Iberian Peninsula?”


Armstrong downed what remained of his coffee, before leaving to “siesta off the disappointment of the World Cup loss,” and swore to never wear his jersey again – or at least until the Euros rolled around in two years.